Thursday, August 24, 2006

Alone

There is the quiet of getting up first in the morning. Your family is still sleeping, and so is the sun, and you feel like you have a secret. There is special anticipation and promise. Then there's the quiet of evening, when the world is again asleep, but you can peacefully unwind the day and look at it piece by piece. And then there's the quiet of being alone for the first time because your kids are at your ex-husband's house for their visit. The silence is not as friendly and welcoming; it feels heavier, aloner. I have decided to sit here alone and face the quiet. I will not run to Barnes & Noble in search of a book and the random company of strangers or to the LYS to buy more yarn and meet with knitting friends or to my imagination to meet with one of my Harlequinesque heroes. I will feel the pain of missing my kids (newly gone) and my marriage (long gone). I might even cry, even though I haven't done that for a long time. But I will feel and not hide. I think of the words of Rich Mullins, "It's okay to be lonely as long as you're free." I want to be free--of anger and guilt and obsession and regret. So I'm alone, because I have to be, and I need to be, and I even a little bit want to be. And I'm lonely, but it's okay.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Susan said...

"When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?"
Epictetus

Thinking of you! S.N.

8/24/2006 09:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Ellen said...

It is a heavy quiet, but you are right and brave to just sit with it, just feel it.

After I got divorced, I found that after the initial shock had passed that it was so much better actually being alone than it was being in a marriage where I felt alone even though he was physically there.

It was freeing.

Be true to your journey. Thinking of you...

8/25/2006 06:16:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Although I haven't faced the kind of "alone" you have, I have found that I like my own company, like the solitude and the quiet, and that alone doesn't necessarily have to be lonely. Give yourself some time----

8/25/2006 11:19:00 PM  
Blogger Dorothy said...

I'll be saying a prayer for you this weekend.
Peace be with you.

8/26/2006 08:50:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home