Thursday, February 10, 2005

Ship of Fools

If life is a boat, or in my case, a dinghy--I wonder what would happen if I jumped ship? What if my boat is leaky and sinking, and I refuse to get off. Am I going down with the Titanic? Will someone be playing 'Amazing Grace' as I slip gently beneath the icy waves? What if I jumped into someone else's vessel, either by invitation or as an act of piracy. How would my life change? I think about these things as I reflect on my choices. I've always chosen the safe route, as far as I can see. It's not necessarily bad, but it's definitely a pattern. Choosing schools, relationships and jobs based on familiarity, not excitement or challenge or risk. Very little risk involved. Cowering in the prow of my life, I let things happen to me rather than me happening to life. I'm not the one who took the Road Less Traveled and that has made all the difference. I would be different. I would dare and risk and live. But when I try (the few small attempts), I usually hate the outcome. I like my safe boring world. I know myself too well to change. As much as the antithesis looks exciting, I prefer the devil I do know to the devil I don't. My boringness may be terminal, but at least it doesn't hurt, most of the time. When it does, I can numb the pain with a book, a movie, a sleeping pill or a glass (or five) of wine. I may be on a ship of fools, but it's my ship. I know every nook and well-worn cranny. Perhaps someday I'll try or be something different, but I haven't met a catalyst big enough to do it yet. I am doomed, fated, destined to take the Road More Traveled, and it really has made all the difference.

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