Saturday, October 16, 2004

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I admit it. I'm a control freak--somedays I'm in recovery, and somedays I'm full-blown off the wagon. I grew up in charge--the oldest. Not my way or the highway, just my way. That's a hard habit to break. The need to be in charge may go undercover as an adult, getting sneaky and manupulative, but it never altogether disappears. I like getting my own way, even when it brings disastrous results. Irrational, I know; but who ever said the heart and its workings are rational? I have met some people who refuse to let me win all the time. I love them and hate them. They set boundaries around the wild horses that are my spirit. I buck and kick and ram the fences of the "no." Sometimes I break free, sometimes I don't. Those who have loved me enough to put the fences in place, first and foremost being God, have withstood many years of my resistance and refusal to be tamed. Some of the fence builders have even given up, thinking I'm not worth the struggle. Sometimes I agree with them. But a few have remained, first and foremost God, seeing something in me that the others (and I) cannot see. They saw past the rebellion, anger, and bluster to the me within--aching and crying out to be loved unconditionally--rebellion and all. Control at its heart is just fear. Fear of being found out, rejected, and left alone. Past the control is the me that is longing to be set free--to create, to love, to succeed. And to those who remained and believed, I give my heartfelt thanks, first and foremost to God.

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