Thursday, October 07, 2004

This is me in grade 9, baby.

I remember being in school, the desire to be included, the eager anxiety each day as I maneuvered clique politics. Will I be accepted? Will I be sought after? A child's dream becomes an adult's nightmare. I thought I was cured of the desire to be heralded. Then I find the internet--chat rooms, bulletins board, blogs. Suddenly it's me in grade 9 baby. I log on wondering if anyone thought I was witty or thoughtful or ironic enough to comment. I pretend I don't care; I'm just checking my email. But I do. And it makes me sad all over again. Why is it so important to me what other people think? I had, at some point, sought God's face about it and lived a good long time not caring what others said or did--content with me. But I find that I have not gotten rid of the desire to be desired. I had merely stuck it on a back shelf in my soul, and it waited until the time was right to show itself again. I do care, more than I want to admit, what other people think. Will I ever be cured? I don't know. It seems to me it's a process (maybe like AA); each day I get up and realize who I am in Christ. Accolades are nice, but how can I please everyone? Or even anyone? I will try, as they say in AA, "just for today" to live for an Audience of One. And if he likes my blogs, or my chats, or whatever, that's enough. And more importantly, he loves me, and that is more than enough.

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